This is an Archive of all WifeRoast’s posted in the 2019 calendar year. We hope you enjoy these as much as we do.

I was getting toilet paper down for the bathroom I knocked over a vacuum and made a loud noise. There was no response:
Me: Joking voice You don’t care about me. I could have died!
Wife: Yea, why didn’t you?

Playing games together
Wife: I lost both games. I’m a loser
Me: Hey, you’ve got me 🙂
Wife: Lucky me 😒

Wife pulls out decoration that says “eternal love”
Me: Aw that’s nice.
Wife: Eternal…Hmmm…..

Random conversation:
Me: Be nice.
Wife: I can’t, I live with you!

At lunch with the family:
Daughter: Mommy, who makes you laugh?
Wife: You do.
Daughter: What about daddy?
Wife: I laugh at him.

Talking about Dirty Old Men in our neighborhood:
Wife: No matter what I do, I’m always around dirty old men. I grew up with them, went to school with them, dated them…
Me: …
Wife: Married one…

Talking to wife about daughter’s acting gig coming up:
Me: We should start working on her lines so she’s ready. And I’ll record her so she gets used to being infront of the camera.
Wife: That’s a good idea.
Me: I have them every once in a while. 🙂
Wife: It’s rare isn’t it? 😉

For Valentines Day, the Wife texted me this (with a big Smiley Face):

Late night, and I’m eating a slice of chocolate chip cake:
Me: Are there no chocolate chips in here?… Ah failure.
Wife: I know, I have to deal with you everyday.

So.. I took some boudoir photos for my wife tonight. Do you think she’ll like them?
UPDATE: After she finally saw them, and stopped laughing about it, she commented: “um…. you missed a spot….. You didn’t wash the rag?! Uhg…”

Late night conversation:
Wife: Cause that’s what all men do.
Me: I don’t do that.
Wife: I didn’t say you were a man.

Talking to the wife about what to pack for the oldest’s school lunch:
Me: We can pack it later.
Wife: I’m going to be gone.
Me: You won’t be gone forever.Wife: Darn…

late night, snuggling up to the wife:
Me: *Joking* Come on babe…
Wife: You know, I had a stomach ache earlier, and now I know why.

Late night conversation:
Wife: Cause that’s what all men do.
Me: I don’t do that.
Wife: I didn’t say you were a man.

Talking with the kids and one mentions a sacrifice:
Me: I’d like to know what we are sacrificing, and to whom?
Wife: Well to us “sacrifice” means something different. I mean, I sacrifice everyday because I have to live with you.

Talking with friends about bookworms and inventors:
Me : You can’t be both. The bookworm mentality doesn’t allow for the inventor mindset.
Wife: *avid bookworm* What are you trying to say? I invent lots of things, in my mind.
Me: That’s what I’m saying… It’s all in your head!
Wife: Don’t worry babe… It’s better in my head anyway.

Late night conversation, I reach over and touch her shoulder:
Me: Are you doing okay?
Wife: I was doing okay until you touched me.

We passed a youth soccer game at a park where a dad had parked a really expensive sports car.
Me: There’s a penis car for you. *our term for sports car*
Wife: You know you want it.
Me: Not my kind of car anymore.
Wife: What? Too big for ya, can’t handle it?

Playing console games as a family:
Me: Everyone feel my wrath!
Wife: I’ve felt it, it’s not very good.

Out camping at a family reunion:
Daughter: Anyone want some acorns?
Me: I’m sure a squirrel is missing his nuts.
Wife: How does it feel?

Late night conversation:
Me: Oh yea, I will when I finish this level.
Wife: Babe, that level is never going to be achieved.

Wife love taps me with a pillow
Me: Abusive!
Wife: You didn’t know that before you married me
Me: I see. You hid that well, you were trying to catch a suitor
Wife: Well, my mistake.
Me: Jokes on you
Wife: ………

Late night conversation:
Me: You didn’t notice me discreetly put the rag in the laundry basket did you?
Wife: Babe, let me tell you something… I don’t notice you.

Eating Costco pizza
Hubby: This pizza is not fresh.
Wife: Neither are you.

My Wife thinks she’s funny…

2yo is watching videos on my tablet. She starts screaming out of frustration:
Me: Stop touching things girl, you’re going to download a virus.
Wife: I’ve already downloaded a virus.

Talking about past relationships:
Wife: Do I just attract weirdos? Well I did attract you…. So I guess I do.
Me: …

Sometimes my wife knows me a little too well:

Dancing with my daughters to the Peanut Butter Jelly song:
Me: Awe, you weren’t even watching.
Wife: I try not to watch things that make me gag.

Wife said something sarcastic to me
Me: Hey! You’d better watch it. I may be crippled right now but………
Wife Shouts: What are you going to do about it!

At least I get a hug…