This is an Archive of all WifeRoast’s posted in the 2018 calendar year. We hope you enjoy these as much as we do.

Wife smacks my butt and I growl.
Wife: “Ew, gross!”
Me: “Oh, you know you like it.”
Wife: “Don’t make me…oh man, now I know why my gag reflex has gotten worse over the years!”

Out in the garden, joking about little sister to older daughter:
Daughter: Daddy she’s not a toy.
Me: You’re right. Human beings are not toys. I want you to remember that.
Wife: Wait what?!

Talking about one of the shows I watch:
Me: So he separated from the family to go get fixed.
Wife: Can you separate from the family to go get fixed?

Wife kicks on the bedroom light:
Wife: *sarcastically* Oh I’m sorry. I made a mistake there.
Me: That’s right. It’s about time you recognized your mistake.
Wife: Yea it was marrying you.

While on a road trip:
Me: I love you.
Wife looks at me odd.
Me: What? It’s true!
Wife: I know. That’s what makes me sick at night.

Taking about my youngest:
Me: She hasn’t looked at my face all day.
Wife: If I had that choice, I’d make it too.

Sitting at the table with nothing to do:
Me: Alright, shall we go cuddle?
Wife: Dude, don’t ruin my day.

Finishing a shopping trip:
Me: I can make my face cause pressure.
Wife: Your face does cause pressure every time I look at it. It’s called “gag reflex.”

Wife posted this to Facebook, tagged me in it, and captioned it “I need these! So I can give them to you! Haha!”

Watching TV as a family:
Oldest Child: Wait I want to watch this commercial.
Me: *commercial ends* Welp, that’s 30 seconds of my life I lost and will never get back.
Wife: I lost an eternity of my life by marrying you.

Just finished watching a bad movie:
Me: Well, I just lost a few IQ points after that movie.
Wife: Well, you didn’t have many to begin with.

Late night conversation:
Me: I was the ultimate new husband.
Wife: Well at least you had the first day.

Conversation between wife (blue chat bubbles) and her friend:

Follow-up conversation between wife (blue chat bubbles) and her friend:

Making a snack for myself
Wife: That looks good
Me: Looks can be deceiving, as you well know.
Wife: Are you burning yourself?
Me: yeah
Wife: Stop it, you are no good at it

My wife and I hear cats mating out side our bedroom window and I complained about it:
Wife: What babe, are you jealous?

Me: My dear Shannon, would you cut my hair tomorrow?
Wife: Will you pay me?
Me: I can pay you in special favors 😀
Wife: Never have I worked for so little
Me: 😮

Group discussion about Melatonin:
Me: Hey babe, it’s non-habit forming.
Wife: you’re non-habit forming.

Tossing a treat wrapper back and forth at each other:
Me: That’s your garbage.
Wife: So are you!

The wife shared a gif to my social media page, captioned:
“Me to my husband: You are the light of my life. I can’t imagine life without you.
Also me:

Conversation while driving home from our kid’s soft ball game:
Me: I just had a funny thought.
Wife: I have lots of those every time I look at your face.

Just finished doing the dishes, so I turned to the wife and said sarcastically:
Me: I’d better be getting some favors out of this!
Wife: I’m still married to you. Consider that a favor.

Guy on a commercial says “Right now, you have more power at your fingertips, then entire generations that came before you.”:
Me: *bleets like a goat*
Wife: Yup, as that’s all you’ll ever amount to.

At a company party:
Daughter: Daddy where are your friends?
Wife: Daddy doesn’t have friends.

Me: My eyes hurt.
Wife: Why? Did you look in a mirror?
If you need me, I’ll be in the burn ward.

Wife posted a completely innocent conversation between Me and Daughter while I was working on my costume:
Daughter: Daddy, what is that on your peepee?
Me: That’s called a codpiece. That’s to help protect it.
Daughter: That’s too small for your peepee. Your PeePee is too big for that
Me: Girl, you’re fueling an ego that does not need to be fueled
Meanwhile wife is dying of laughter in the other room.

Brother In-Law shares a game tournament advert to my FB Page:
Wife: No
Various family members defend
Me: Thanks Guys. I would have found out about it eventually, but it’s not really my game. 🙂
Wife: It’s ok, you’re not really MY game either…

Conversation about when kids go back to school:
Friend: They get off at 3:05.
Me: Too soon.
Wife: Just like you, eh babe?

At dinner with the wife.
Wife: I just hate getting the same thing.
Me: Well you’re stuck with me for forever, so you better get used to it.
Wife: Well, I screwed myself over on that one.

Finished watching a bad tv show.
Wife: I don’t know why I keep watching it.
Me: We can’t let go of anything.
Wife: I know that’s why I’m married to you.

Driving on the freeway, and both lanes are blocked by 2 slowly moving cars:
Driving:
Me: I’m tired of you two.
Wife: I’m tired of you, too.

Wife is badly sunburned on her shoulders. As she is walking out of the room she lost her balance and hit her shoulders into the side of the door.
Me: Oh that hurt.
Wife (jokingly): Oh no it felt great.
Me: Oh come on Mrs. S&M.
Wife: Not my fault you don’t like it fun.

Playing games together
Wife: I lost both games. I’m a loser
Me: Hey, you’ve got me 🙂
Wife: Lucky me 😒

Was feeling sick one night while watering the grass:
Me: I’m going to go move the Tramp, take some pills, and I’m going to die.
Wife: Good, go die on me.

Playfully arguing with the wife:
Wife: How am I supposed to know that’s what you were doing?
Me: Come on woman, know my brain.
Wife: You don’t use your brain, how can anyone know it?

Conference morning, and I’m trying to turn on the TV.
Me: Why won’t you turn on?
Wife: That’s a little difficult when you are involved.

Just finished watching Ant Man:
Me: What would you do if you found out that I was like…
Wife: Cool?

Just got home from a meeting:
Wife: Come closer so I can see you, I don’t have my glasses on.
Wife: Actually, it’s probably a good thing I don’t have them on.

Talking about friends at work:
Daughter: You have friends?
Me: I have many friends.
Daughter: You have many friends?
Wife: I know, hard to believe isn’t it?

Browsing Facebook:
Me: I don’t know why I watched that.
Wife: I don’t know why I married you.

Playing a Star Wars game on my phone:
5yo: Mommy! Daddy scored against 2 waves of storm troopers!
Wife: Daddy doesn’t score much these days.

Late night conversation:
Me: I was the ultimate new husband.
Wife: Well at least you had the first day.

Hanging out with friends:
Wife: Wait, he’s going to do something!
Me: *get distracted for 5 seconds and forgot what I was doing…is my life story.

At dinner with family talking about our wallets:
Me: I don’t know why people put their wallets in their back pocket. I put mine in my front pocket. That way if someone tries to steal it I’ll get a show too.
Wife: That, and it also makes it look like he’s actually got a show in his pants to begin with.

Late night snuggle and wife blows on my eye.
Me: Ah, that was my eye.
Wife: So, not like you need it.
Me: Um, I need it to see.
Wife: Not like you can see very well anyway. I have to tell you where half the crap in this house is all the time.